Maybe Thomas Wolfe Was Right...

...when he said "you can't go home again."

Habaita in Hebrew is a command word meaning home. As in go home. As in the name of this blog Habaita Y'all. I have always felt that Israel was my home. And for the last 20 years all I've wanted to do was to simply go home. If you've read my other posts you will know about the pull and love I feel for Israel. About the feelings I have of belonging here yet feeling a total stranger at the same time. About knowing that my past, my history is here yet not actually feeling that I've participating in said history and the guilt and confusion that it stirs within me.

For the last 20 years I have put Israel on a pedestal. It was a magical place. It was a place that I belonged. Not just because here my name is common. Not just because I am Jewish. Not just because the national language here is the language of my childhood. It was an indescribable feeling of simply belonging. Of knowing that Israel is the place I am supposed to be. It just felt...right. It was home.

But then something shifted (and my relationship with Israel shifted right along with it - a topic I will be exploring in a later post). I realized that part of the reason I so longed to be here all of these years was due to good old fashioned nostalgia. We all idealize that time in our lives when we were children and things were simple. So when we smell, see, taste, etc things from our childhood all of those memories of carefree summer days and slumber-party-filled winter nights flood our memories. The only difference for me is that I have to travel 5,600 miles to experience those sensory driven memories, whereas most of my friends still live in the same town where they grew up, or at least get to visit it more than twice in two decades. You see, for me, once I left Israel, eating a borreka while watching Alf with Hebrew subtitles wasn't readily available. Hearing Hebrew wherever I went wasn't a reality. Introducing myself without having to explain how to pronounce my name ("I-Yell-It, like I-Scream-It, Ayelet") was a rarity. Not to mention that my first month of being back in Israel this summer was like a honeymoon. I got to spend time with friends and really get to know my family. I got to go to the beach during the day, party at night and really relax. So of course when I got to experience all of these things I was overwhelmed with feelings of belonging and love and happiness. But then, after a month or so, the nostalgia wore off and the honeymoon ended and I was just another woman in another country. And I had no idea where home was.

So now what?

Now...

Now it's time for me to create my home, instead of going on an epic journey looking for it. Now I know that home can be anywhere in the world, as long as love lives there. Now I know that home is wherever I am happiest. Now I know that home is where I set my roots and create a family and community.

I think this song explains perfectly where home is. And when you listen to the lyrics of the chorus the "You" is my family, my friends, my partner (whomever he turns out to be).

I've been writing and re-writing this post for over a week now. At times the post got me down, confused, frustrated. Now I just feel ready. Ready to go home.

The Answer

In my last post I had a lot of questions for myself. One that has been sticking out was "Am I supposed to go through life with moderate to low expectations so I'm not disappointed as easily or am I to stay true to my nature which is to love and smile and laugh and get excited over anything, from delicious chocolate morsels to helping save a dog's life? "

I found the answer. It's the latter.

As it turns out life can be as wonderful as I imagine it to be and there is nothing wrong with loving and laughing and getting excited over silly small things or truly important things. Going through life with low or moderate expectations will just make life dimmer. And if I keep searching for what I am looking for I won't be disappointed because it's out there. In the past I was held back by fear. Fear of leaving Comfort. Fear that moderate happiness is really the best that is available (so why bother looking for better?). Fear that I will walk away just before things become good. But I know now that Comfort is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Moderate Happiness is an oxymoron. And that if I wait for things to become good I'll never find that something that already is good.

Since arriving at Kibbutz Holit life has turned around. I have found a calm happiness that I didn't know I ever craved. Before life on Holit I could never imagine myself living anything but the crazy busy city life, but being here has shown me that life can actually be more fulfilling with less. For the first time in I-don't-know-how-long I've felt stress free. Truly and totally. I'm not worried about meeting quota for my job or if I have enough cash to go out for Happy Hour. I'm not concerned with who is doing what to whom and who is winning. There is no TV show that I am rushing to get home to watch (or DVR as it were). No racing heartbeat when I hear the subway coming and I don't have my metro card out to catch it in time. Life is simple.

I supposed I should give you a glimpse into my life here on Holit to paint a picture of my new summer life.

Sundays through Thursdays:

Wake up at 6:30am (which I don't even mind so you know something is special here)

Have breakfast with my bosses and co-worker from 7:00ish-7:30ish.

Work in the orchards from 7:30ish - 12:00ish (with a 30ish minute break at 10:00ish).

Lunch with everyone on the kibbutz from 12:00ish-12:45ish .

Work in the orchards from 1:00ish - 2:30ish

I use "ish" because that's how time works here. The world doesn't end if you take a 32 minute break. Somehow we still manage to go on if we start lunch at 12:03. And low and behold the world doesn't end if we don't get picked up from work to go home until 2:41.

After work we (the volunteers) hang out, go to Computers (the computer room), play Corn Holes in the back yard, kick the ball around (or in my case watch the boys kick the ball around), watch TV, read (we do that the most), nap, catch up on phone calls, etc.

Then at 6:30 we all (the entire kibbutz) have dinner together in the dining room until about 7:30.

After we eat most of the people from dinner hang out together in the court yard watching the kids play and the dogs nap as we eat our ice cream and candy and talk. (And a lot of the talking is in Hebrew which only adds to the happiness).

After sunset we do more of the same that we do between work and dinner. Sometimes the volunteers (there are 5 of us) and some of the other younger people on the kibbutz also play cards, watch movies, or just hang out together as someone picks up the communal guitar and sings. The conversation flows and at times so does the wine and beer.

The weekends are just as relaxing.

Fridays and Saturdays:

We have a pub on the kibbutz (which is actually a bomb shelter) so we sometimes drink there. We go down the cement stairs as someone turns on the music and yet another pours the drinks and opens the bottles. Or we'll take a day trip to the beach or maybe find a small mountain/hill to climb and look over to Gaza and the other surrounding areas. Sometimes we'll just climb a building (the laundry room, a monument in the area, etc) and make tea and talk. This past Friday night we went to a Moshav about 15 minutes away from the Kibbutz. We parked the cars by the reservoir, turned on the music, fired up the hookah and star-gazed.

It just goes to show that not giving up the search to find what I was looking for was the right move. Settling is never necessary. It's out there, what I want, what you want, we just have to be willing to look for it, and sometimes create it.

I think I owe you an explanation

I think I owe you lovely followers an explanation. I posted on Facebook that I was leaving the kibbutz and did not tell you why. There are so many specific stories to share but I'd like to give you a broad over-view.

There were a few key points I was looking for when deciding which program to participate in this summer. I wanted to be with people my age range (25 - 35), mingle with Israelis, have weekends to see my friends and family, and be outside as much as possible. I was elated when I found out about the Kibbutz Program Center - it was as if I had written a list of the qualities I was looking for in a summer program onto a sheet of paper, ripped that paper into pieces and threw it in the fire place (a la Mary Poppins), and poof, Kibbutz Program Center came swooping in on her umbrella in form of a website.

When I got to Kibbutz Bar'am however I discovered something quite different. The age group here is mainly 18 - 22. The first night I was here the main activity was mixing any hard alcohol that was around with punch and smoking cigarettes while listening to trance music. Awesome. If I wanted to party all the time I would have stayed in Manhattan, where the drinks are quality, the music is bumpin, the company doesn't require fake IDs (mainly), smoking is banned inside and the night life scene is one of the best in the world. I got the whole partying thing down and G-d knows it'll still be there when I get back. I came here for more. Much much more.

Also, not one of the 50+ volunteers are Jewish and we don't even really get a chance to mingle with the Kibbutznikim (people who live on a kibbutz). Many times I have been asked by the volunteers "Are you a Jew?" Seriously. Of all places, Israel is not the place where I should be hearing this.

I was working all day either packing apples in a factory, with only my music to keep me company, or most recently cleaning the Plastic Factory. Believe it or not, the cleaning job was actually like striking gold in comparison to packing apples. As my brother so eloquently put it "You know you're in trouble when cleaning the shitter is a good job." On top of this I am way up north and getting to and from Tel Aviv, Jerusalem and Beer Sheva (where my friends and family are) is nearly impossible. In short, this was not what I signed up for.

Now comes the growing...

I felt so conflicted about what I should do. I wanted to give this place a fair shot and not regret leaving it. But the more I talked about the Kibbutz with friends and family the more I realized just how unhappy I am here. I kept going back and forth, mainly trying to convince myself to stay. And then I realized that if I stay here I will eventually convince myself that it was an alright place and that nothing is as wonderful as you hope it to be. I would have let the summer pass by and and would have convinced myself (and everyone else) that it was a good time, knowing all along that I wanted more.

And then BAM!

I realized that this line of thinking is exactly why I found myself in a five year relationship that should have ended after three. Or maybe two? And if I didn't take action and improve my situation immediately then all of these months of growing pains would have been for naught. And as I said in my first post on this blog - I'll be damned if my life isn't over-flowing with joy.

So now what...?

There are a lot of options and I am trying to decide where to go. There is a Moshav between Tel Aviv and Jerusalem that is taking volunteers, there is another kibbutz (near Gaza) through The Kibbutz Program Center that has Jewish volunteers and are looking for more, there is the option to get a job and apartment in Tel Aviv, or perhaps skip around between friends and family and do some traveling. The point is that I am not stuck. I never was and I never will be. All I know is that I am leaving this Kibbutz as early as Thursday.

I keep feeling like I somehow failed. Or that I was duped. Or that I am being unreasonable. I want to make sure I continue to stay present and embrace what is presented to me. If I leave am I just pushing away change or if I stay am I only repeating the same pattern? I feel silly for having been so excited to come here. Did I set myself up? Am I supposed to go through life with moderate to low expectations so I'm not disappointed as easily or am I to stay true to my nature which is to love and smile and laugh and get excited over anything, from delicious chocolate morsels to helping save a dog's life? I suppose right now I'm feeling lost. I feel like I need to just take a huge step back and deprogram in a way. Let go of my assumptions about how life is supposed to go and get in tune with how I want my life to go. I think in order to do that I need to reboot. Reset. If only I could find that little button....

KIBBUTZ ASSIGNMENT

Kibbutz Baram! I start on Tuesday May 18th!

Pictures:
http://www.travelpod.com/travel-photo/jiske/1/1248622575/12_kibbutz-baram.jpg/tpod.html

Info:
http://www.baram.org.il/public/htmls/articleeng.aspx?C2047=12318&BSP=12275

Feeling:
EXCITED!

Survivor's Guilt?

I had planned on writing this post as a sort of detailed agenda of what I did during my first week in Israel. I had a title picked out and everything. But as I am learning to go with whatever life throws my way, and be ok with changing even the best laid plans, I find myself thinking, and therefore writing, about Survivor's Guilt.

I have always had a little nagging feeling of guilt not being in Israel, especially when there is some sort of war or attack happening here. I think, why should I be at home, comfortable, watching CNN or reading YNetNews while other Israelis are living in Israel, defending it, ensuring it will always be here so the rest of us can come for a vacation every too-many-years, spend our dollars and euros, and then go back home, where we don't have to walk through metal detectors before we enter a mall, or sleep in bomb shelters for a month straight because it's easier than having to run down the stairs every single night when the sirens blast, or worry that if we only have two children then we are running a huge risk of leaving one of our kids as an only child? Being here for only a week has turned that nagging feeling into full blown guilt. It's not Survivor's Guilt by definition, but it makes me feel guilty that other Israelis have had to live (and fight) through wars and terror attacks while this Israeli is leading the typical American life - with her blond hair, blue eyes and not a callous on her freshly manicured hands.

For the last week I've been going out every night dancing, drinking, talking, laughing, eating and simply being among Israelis. Between chasers (what they call shots here) or bites of shawarmas I find myself thinking what gives me the right not to live in Israel and still claim to love it as much as I do? Before the calls start coming to my pelephone (cell) convincing me not to make Aliyah, let me say I have not made any decisions to live here. But I do find myself at odds.

On my way from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv I found myself sitting at the back of the bus with a clear view of the rest of the passangers. As it was a Thursday afternoon the bus had quite a few soldiers on it who were on their way home for the weekend (which is Friday and Saturday here, not Saturday and Sunday). The bus was packed and people were squeezing by to get a seat or a more comfortable place to stand. It's a dance any New Yorker knows...The Dance Of The Crowded Bus...hugging your purse into your body, or placing your packpack on the floor between your legs - anything to minimize the space you are taking up. And here, in Israel, these teenaged soldiers have also mastered the Dance Of The Crowded Bus, except their dance partners are M16s instead of backpacks.

It was second nature for them to move their gun this way or that to let someone pass. Just as it is second nature here to open your purse or bag to be checked by security before entering any building. Just as it is second nature to look for a place to protect yourself when you go to a new restaurant during war-time should an airraide siren blast. Some people think this would be a reason to never want to live here. For me however, for reasons that only a trained professional could explain I'm sure, it draws me in.

I suppose I am comparing this to Survivor's Guilt because when all is said and done, it comes down to the fact that I don't think I have the right not to go through the trauma other Israelis have had to endure and still call myself an Israeli.

And though this post is a bit darker than I had hoped I have to say what an amazing time I am having here. It's incredible to be surrounded by family, having more cousins than I know what to do with! Looking around the room on Friday nights, between the kiddish and dessert, seeing the 20+ faces whose names one way or another have a spot on my family tree, it reminds me just how important family is to me. Perhaps more important than I ever realized. Yes, being in Israel is openning my eyes to many facets of myself. And I love every second of it.

I am here in this room

Well, here I am.

As we were nearing Tel Aviv and I could see where water met land I thought "well, this is rather anti-climactic." I thought I'd be more emotional, more moved. And then...

I found myself feet off of the runway, face pressed against plexiglass, eyes fixed on the ground, holding my breath, waiting for the gentle thud of wheels hitting tar, connection with the land, with Eretz Yisrael, and with every second of anticipation my smile stretched wider and wider and my body was screaming for air but I couldn't let go, not yet, not til we touched the ground. And then...thud...contact. Exhale. Laugh. And then the tears started flowing. Such wonderful warm-fuzzy tears. I'm here. I did it. Ready or not, here I am.

As we made our approach I put all of my focus on what I want to get out of this experience. I made a huge change in my life and I want to use this time to really focus that change, become clear on my intentions. This is what I came to realize: I simply, maybe not simply, want to be here in this room...

Let me go a few steps back. More like ten years back. When I was a freshman in my BFA Acting program (Elohim that was 10 years ago, oof) I had a movement teacher named Diana. She had a very simple exercise that helped me become present and grounded, two buzz words that are fundamental in acting school. All we would do is stand still, look at an object, breathe in and on the exhale say "I am here in the room." It's a reminder to stay present. A reminder that we are present. A reminder I need. Constantly.

With the MANY hours I had to simply sit with my thoughts on my journey to Israel I found myself thinking about the various weddings I will be going to this summer/fall, my trip to California in August, meeting my new niece in September, what I will do to make money when I return to NY in October, who will stay in my life through the summer and beyond, who will come back into my life in the fall, and who will have simply moved on, and then it hit me, I am already thinking past Israel and I've not yet landed.

And that's when I came to realize that this summer, in Israel, I want to really learn how to remain present. I want to learn how to really be here in this room.

Hot, Dry and Sunny

Living in America, especially in Manhattan and other cities where the residents depend on public transportation, we get into a routine of checking the weather before we head out the door for the day. Will I need a jacket, an umbrella, will my feet be cold in sandals or hot in boots? It's a dance we dance with Mother Nature and our trusty weather-(wo)man (who 80% of the time isn't so trusty in the end).

But in Israel...ah Israel. The weather there during the summer is hot, dry and sunny. And guess what? It's gonna stay hot, dry and sunny all summer long. None of these random summer storms, or unseasonably cool days. Just hot. Dry. And sunny. Packing just got a whole lot easier.

5 days til take off.

Thank You, An Open Letter

I can't sleep. It's a grey and cool morning here in NYC. I've been up since Way-Too-Early-O'Clock and I went to bed at a stupidly late hour. But I can't sleep. I keep thinking of all of the things I have to do before my trip and all the people I still want to see before I am whisked away in that huge steel bird in the sky. The most pressing "task" on my mind that is causing this insomnia is a Thank You Letter that I have been wanting to write/been composing in my head for weeks, maybe months.

I've been thinking of all of the people in my life who I want to thank and all of the things I want to say, and I came to realize that it's basically the same message for you all with a few specific personal touches here and there. So I'm writing this Open Thank You Letter, if you will. Here we go...

Thank you. Thank you for your support. For letting me borrow your strength when my supply was all tapped out. For helping me move, both emotionally and physically. For the hundreds of minutes on your cellphone plan that you "donated" to my healing. For driving 5 hours each way because you knew I'd need you before I even knew it. For your unwavering belief in me. For your encouragement. For reminding me what I have to offer and what I deserve in return. For the countless dinners and endless drinks. For the FUN! For calling me out on my shit. For your wisdom and guidance. For flying me home to regroup. For leading by example by showing me that a true partnership does in fact exist. For letting me crash on your couch/bed/in your spare room. For not judging me. For letting me cry and then making me laugh, and knowing when I needed to do which. For the late night movie/cuddle sessions. For making my birthday the best ever! For your hugs and kisses. For simply being you. For loving each other and letting me live in that space, allowing me to breathe it in. For listening to my countless crazy stories of The Single Life in Manhattan and helping me explore this uncharted territory. For pushing me forward to follow my dreams, even though it meant leaving you for a while. For watching mindless television with me. For keeping me distracted. For making me face what I needed to face. For waving away my bitterness with your belief in people and in love. For your love. For being in my life - whether it was a recent appearance you made (some after far too many years) or a life long commitment you've stuck to. I do not say this part lightly: I would not have been able to get through these past few months without you. At one point or another, and sometimes multiple times, you have said to me how proud you are of me. Of my strength. Of my convictions. Of my determination. Of my bravery. I would have none of these things if I did not have you.

I do not know what this next chapter of my life has to offer, but I can tell you this much, you will be a part of it. And no matter what, know that my life is good now, the best it's been in far too long, and you played a leading role in making that happen. I cannot fully express how much appreciation I have for you, but I will spend the rest of my life trying.

To quote a beautiful song:

Here is the spring. Here is the spring.

While winter was raging something good had been blossoming.

Thank you for being my Spring.

With all my love,

Ayelet

You friend/sister/cousin/daughter/partner-in-crime

Welcome Packet

Holy cow, two posts in one day?!

I got my Official Welcome Packet today. A lot of people have been asking me what a Kibbutz is and trying to grasp the experience I am about to embark upon (or is it: upon which I am about to embark)? Anyhoo....

Below is an excerpt from the Welcome Package that will help shed some light:

KIBBUTZ LIFE - WHAT IS KIBBUTZ?

Kibbutz means group in Hebrew. It is a modest name for something unique: a voluntary democratic community where people live and work together on a non-competitive basis. Its aim is to generate an economically and socially independent society founded on principles of communal ownership of property, social justice, and equality.

The first kibbutzim (plural of kibbutz) were organized by idealistic young Zionists who came to Palestine in the beginning of the 20^th Century. Their dream was not just to settle the land it, but to build a whole new kind of society. Despite many hardships, they succeeded in creating a social system and a way of life which has played a crucial role in the development of the State of Israel both culturally and politically.

Over the years the kibbutzim have multiplied, prospered, and adapted themselves to changing realities. Today some 270 kibbutzim, varying in size from 80 to over 2,000 people, are scattered throughout Israel. With a total populace of around 120,000 they represent about 2.8 percent of Israel’s population.

In the early days of the kibbutz movement, all kibbutzim were based on a foundation of agriculture. These days, however, the economies of kibbutzim cannot be sustained on agriculture alone. Most kibbutzim have branched out into industry to increase their productivity. Kibbutz factories manufacture a wide variety of products from electronics, furniture, household appliances and plastics to farm machinery and irrigation systems.

Most kibbutz members work in some section of the kibbutz economy: orchards, factory, dairy, fishponds, or in one of its maintenance units. Routine jobs such as dining room duties are rotated among members. When too few members are available for a particular job, outside workers may be hired and paid wages or receive room and board on the kibbutz.

WHO LIVES ON KIBBUTZ?

Kibbutzim, like any other society, are made of individuals who are all different from one another. Some members of kibbutz identify strongly with the pioneer spirit that founded the kibbutz. Others, if not pioneers themselves, the children of the pioneers, are now grown up and have families of their own on the kibbutz. They are called “sabras”, or people who were born in Israel. (An interesting etymology that will give you a sense of Israeli character: “sabra” literally refers to a type of cactus fruit, which is hard and prickly on the outside, yet sweet and tender on the inside).

Many kibbutz members, however, will not fit this stereotypical image. Lots of kibbutzniks will look more or less like people from your hometown and in fact may even come from a place like your hometown. Many members of kibbutz are “olim” (immigrants) from foreign countries such as the United States, Australia, South Africa, Ethiopia, Russia or around Europe. Hebrew may not be their native language, but they all speak Hebrew, as it is the primary language spoken in Israel.

Some members of kibbutz are very old. Some of them were true pioneers in the early days of the founding of the state. Try to meet someone who was a founding member of the kibbutz where you are staying, and ask them to tell you stories about the early days of the kibbutz. It’s a great way to practice your Hebrew and learn some Israeli history at the same time!

Another significant group living on the kibbutz are the participants. What distinguishes a participant from a “chaver” (member) of the kibbutz? First, the participant lives on the kibbutz temporarily, while members stay for the long haul. Second, members have voting privileges which give them say in the issues of the kibbutz life; participants do not take part in that. Finally, members are eligible for a full use of all facilities on the kibbutz, while participants may not have access to certain facilities such as a ceramics studio or member’s moadon (clubhouse).

As a participant, remember that you are a guest in the home of the kibbutzniks. Because we come from a different culture, we view the grounds and facilities of the kibbutz differently than do members. For kibbutz members, the entire kibbutz is home, rather than a house with four walls. Take the kibbutz dining hall, for example. To the participant it looks like a cafeteria, which is public space. However, kibbutzniks see it as a dining room, which is private. Participants are essentially guests in the home of the kibbutzniks, and you should be respectful of that fact just as you would if you were visiting a friend in his or her house.

YOUR WORK ON THE KIBBUTZ:

Work will be your gateway into the kibbutz community; it will be a chance to meet the members of the kibbutz, and to gain their respect by showing that you can work responsibly. Working hard is a virtue on kibbutz! The well being of the kibbutz depends on its members dedicating themselves to their work, and your own work ethic will determine how the members relate to you.

The type of work you do on the kibbutz will depend on where you are needed. The work that you will be doing will depend on the season of the year as well as the needs of the kibbutz, but some common examples of jobs that volunteers do are laundry room, kitchen, dining hall, factory, gardening, agricultural work. Regardless of the specific job that you will be doing, your work is crucial in order for the kibbutz to function and you will be making an important contribution. The kibbutz will try to arrange the work according to preferences, but this may not always be possible. In this situation, patience and understanding is required. Many participants lack the agricultural skills and experiences which would make them more flexible with regard to work.

LIVING CONDITIONS:

Kibbutz life aims to take you away from the materialism of urban society, and it may lack some of the conveniences you are used to. For instance, the kibbutz telephone may be a ten-minute walk from your room. Trips to the bank, stores or cafes may mean getting out of the kibbutz. The living accommodations are dorm style, with two or three participants in a room with adjacent toilet and shower facilities. You will receive full board as well as sheets and blankets. Rooms will have basic furniture: a closet, a table, and a bed for each person.

(above is an example of what a modern-day Kibbutz looks like)

LAUNDRY:

Your laundry will be done at the kibbutz’s laundry facilities. Laundry is collected once a week and is generally returned within a couple of days. Please keep in mind that the people doing the laundry wash clothes for hundreds of people, so they cannot pay special attention to particular items. The kibbutz will not be held responsible for items damaged in the laundry.

THE CONDITIONS FOR THE VOLUNTEERS:

In each kibbutz, a volunteer leader is assigned to the volunteers. The volunteers' leader is the volunteer’s contact person in the kibbutz. The volunteers' leader is in charge of the volunteers in the kibbutz and any request or problem that the volunteers might have they can turn to the volunteers' leader. The first day in the kibbutz the volunteers' leader meets with the newly arrived volunteers explaining them the daily routines and rules in the kibbutz. The volunteers are taken on a short tour around the kibbutz and the different work branches are explained to them.

The volunteers live in rooms with between 2 to 4 people in each room (depending on the kibbutz and the season). Six days a week the volunteers work 8 hours a day in the kibbutz. The work is dependent on the availability and the need of the kibbutz, but if possible, the volunteers' leader is always willing to try to satisfy the individual requests of the volunteers.

The volunteers receive three meals a day in the kibbutz. Every day around noon, the kibbutz population, as well as the volunteers, is served a hot, delicious and nutritious lunch in the common dinning room. In some kibbutzim the common dinning room serves only breakfast and lunch. In this case, the volunteers are provided with a small kitchen with cooking facilities and groceries to cook dinner for themselves. The volunteers then cook and eat together.

Once a month, one-day outings are organized for the volunteers, and each three months a three-day tour is also arranged. The volunteers are free to use the sports facilities of the kibbutz and the swimming pool. In most kibbutzim, a pub and even a disco is arranged for the volunteers and the younger population.

The kibbutz insures the volunteers with an ambulant health insurance through the kibbutz. For any situation that demands ambulant health treatment, the volunteers can approach the kibbutz’ doctor and or nurse.

Each month the volunteers are given three free days. Together with the volunteer leader, the volunteers decide when to “use” the free days. An amount of approximately 80 US$ is given to the volunteers every month as pocket money.

Dinner plans

I've been emailing with my family in Israel to make arrangements for my arrival. This is getting so real.

I often make plans with friends in the city for dinner/drinks/what-have-you about a week or so in advance, sometimes more, depending on the week and the friend and the activity. And as I am about to leave for five months my Google Calendar is getting full really quickly. As I was looking over it, trying to fit another friend in before I say good-bye, it hit me...only a few weekends left before I'm in Israel! Here is what my next few Fridays look like:

Friday the 16th: Bar hopping with Hannah

Friday the 21st: Volunteering in Utah

Friday the 30th: Last Girls' Night in The City until October

Friday the 7th: Dinner with Julian and family in TEL AVIV!!!!!!!!!!

Just like I make dinner plans in the city, I am now making dinner plans in Israel!

A-maz-ing!

21 days til take-off!

One Month!

One month from this exact moment I will be landing in London waiting to get on my flight to take me to Israel!

If you want to know what I'm feeling in this moment listen to this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsO6IYsQSVg

So. Freaking. Excited.

And So It Begins

Well, I just gave my "leave of absence" notice to the District Director at my company. It's freakin real y'all. I'm packing my bags today for my first of G-d knows how many moves. Here is my Nomad Schedule (as I like to call it) for the next six months:

April 1st: Move my stuff into my uncle Arthur's apartment in Chelsea so my subletter can move in.

April 21st: Leave for Utah to realize another dream - volunteer in America's largest No Kill Animal Sanctuary Best Friend's Animal Sanctuary for four days with my dear friend Nora!

April 25th: Drive to Vegas Baby! There will be chillaxing by the pool, eating delicious food and...??? (Nora, get ready girl)!

April 27th: Take the red-eye back to NYC.

May 4th: THE BIG TRIP! Leave for Israel to find whatever it is that is waiting for me.

In this time I hope to go to the following places (in no particular order):

Tel Aviv (and surrounding neighborhoods) - see family, friends, and enjoy the night life and beaches.

Jerusalem - meet Cousin Charlotte for the first time! Go to the Kotel. Drink at the bar that my uncle Arthur just invested in (gotta support family, right?!)

Haifa (Ramat Y'shai) - Haibait y'all (which means Go home y'all). The last place in Israel that my family and I lived in was in a cute little home in a cute little town called Ramat Y'shai outside of Haifa. I'm going to go back again and this time take video if the new home owners allow. Chills just thinking about it.

Eilat - swim with dophins, enjoy the beach.

Petra, Joradan - I made a friend who lives in Lebanon. As I am not allowed into her country, and I don't believe she is allowed in mine (really Middle East, let's get this Peace thing going already) she and I will go to Petra with some of her Jordanian friends and be tourists! We will also be swimming in the Dead Sea, or rather, floating in the Dead Sea.

Miza and Ciro, Egypt - I'm going to see the Pyramids and everything else that is offered to my eyes. I can't wait! I may do this trip alone which will be SO much fun! But don't worry, I'll hook up with a tourist group so I'm not some young American/Israeli woman roaming the streets on her own.

Beer Sheva - see more family and friends!

_________ - This blank space is for the Kibbutz that I will be assigned to work and live in. Embracing the unknown!

August 8th: Fly back to NY and regroup for a few days. Hope to see my NYC urban family this week so mark your calendars!

August 12th: Fly out to Asheville NC to celebrate the union of my dear, amazing WONDERFUL cousin Whitney to an equally amazing man Yoni!

August 16: Fly out to San Fran to house- and dog-sit for my Step-dad's cousins. Relax by their pool, cuddle with the puppies, see my SF friends (Susan this means you), volunteer at ARF , and catch up on lots of phone calls and sleep.

September 2nd: Fly out to Chicago for one of my best friend's wedding! Also I will be spending time with my new niece/nephew and my brother and sister-in-law and celebrating Rosh Hashanah!

September 10th: Fly to Louisville to live with my dad and step-mom while helping them with their business.

October 1st: It all comes to an end. Fly back to NYC, move back into my studio, open my dog walking business and start yet another chapter of my life.

Wow....

Confirmation Number

So there I was, looking at the computer screen, knowing the only thing standing between me and my dream was that little Submit button, and without even taking a moment to realize the enormity of the situation I pressed it. It became official. I am now a British Airlines passenger due to land in Tel Aviv via Heathrow on May 5^th at 5:20am Israel time (sorry to whichever family member is picking me up).

Staring at my confirmation number a rush of adrenalin, joy, excitement and nerves washed over me. My heart was racing, I was light headed and I was pretty sure if I wasn’t at work I would have burst into sobbing tears. I wanted to scream: I DID IT! I made my dream come true! What have you done today!? But I couldn’t do that, so I wiped away the few tears that managed to eek through, took a deep breath and updated my Facebook status. :)

All I could think was less than six months ago, when my life felt like it was falling into pieces like a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle, I told myself I was moving to Israel for the summer, and now it’s a reality. I’m doing it. You know, before, life was just so difficult. I think in images and the strongest image that comes to mind is that of a jigsaw puzzle that has been put together all wrong. Pieces jammed together, torn and smushed, making a picture of nothing at all. So yes, my life did fall into pieces, but now all of those pieces are free to be put in a better space. To be put back together properly where they are meant to be. And now my life can make a beautiful picture, instead of a jumbled mess.

I feel hopeful today.

Countdown: 37 days til takeoff!

Let me start at the beginning

On October 13th 2009 I found out that my boyfriend of five years, with whom I shared a home, made a home, wasn’t sure about marrying me after all, and my world seemingly fell apart. On October 15th my father flew me home to Louisville KY to regroup. As I was walking down the moving sidewalk I knew everything was going to be ok again because my father was waiting for me on the other side, and for better or worse (I think better), I will always be my daddy’s girl. As I went to hug him hello and take my first breath of relief in a day and a half I saw he was on the phone. As he hung up with the caller I finally got to wrap my arms around him and breathe. His first words to me were “my father just died.” And thus began my journey.

To make an extraordinarily long story short I’ll cut to the chase. Between mid October and the beginning of January I took a long and hard look at the state of my relationship and the state of my life and gutted the whole thing. I broke up with my boyfriend, moved back into my studio, changed careers and decided to live life to my fullest. You see, I was a Good Little Girl who grew up to be a Well Behaved Woman. And though that gave me a comfortable life, it did not give me a happy life. And I’ll be damned if I don’t have a life that is overflowing with joy.

What does this have to do with coming to Israel this summer you ask? Well, ever since I left Israel I told myself one day I’ll move back for a few months and find the part of myself that simply could not survive anywhere else. But I was so focused on leading a “responsible” life, a “comfortable” life that each year I told myself I’ll go back to Israel another year. Maybe after I get married. After my career takes off. After I have children. And before I know I’ll be at the end of my life and all I'd be able to say would be well, I had a comfortable life. Never has the word "comfortable" had such a negative connotation. So this Good Little girl who grew up to be a Well Behaved Woman is grabbing life by the balls and saying fuck it. Let’s see what happens when I mix things up and actually become an active member in my own life.

I don’t know what direction this blog will take, but I welcome you to join me as I find out.