Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I think I owe you an explanation

I think I owe you lovely followers an explanation. I posted on Facebook that I was leaving the kibbutz and did not tell you why. There are so many specific stories to share but I'd like to give you a broad over-view.

There were a few key points I was looking for when deciding which program to participate in this summer. I wanted to be with people my age range (25 - 35), mingle with Israelis, have weekends to see my friends and family, and be outside as much as possible. I was elated when I found out about the Kibbutz Program Center - it was as if I had written a list of the qualities I was looking for in a summer program onto a sheet of paper, ripped that paper into pieces and threw it in the fire place (a la Mary Poppins), and poof, Kibbutz Program Center came swooping in on her umbrella in form of a website.

When I got to Kibbutz Bar'am however I discovered something quite different. The age group here is mainly 18 - 22. The first night I was here the main activity was mixing any hard alcohol that was around with punch and smoking cigarettes while listening to trance music. Awesome. If I wanted to party all the time I would have stayed in Manhattan, where the drinks are quality, the music is bumpin, the company doesn't require fake IDs (mainly), smoking is banned inside and the night life scene is one of the best in the world. I got the whole partying thing down and G-d knows it'll still be there when I get back. I came here for more. Much much more.

Also, not one of the 50+ volunteers are Jewish and we don't even really get a chance to mingle with the Kibbutznikim (people who live on a kibbutz). Many times I have been asked by the volunteers "Are you a Jew?" Seriously. Of all places, Israel is not the place where I should be hearing this.

I was working all day either packing apples in a factory, with only my music to keep me company, or most recently cleaning the Plastic Factory. Believe it or not, the cleaning job was actually like striking gold in comparison to packing apples. As my brother so eloquently put it "You know you're in trouble when cleaning the shitter is a good job." On top of this I am way up north and getting to and from Tel Aviv, Jerusalem and Beer Sheva (where my friends and family are) is nearly impossible. In short, this was not what I signed up for.

Now comes the growing...

I felt so conflicted about what I should do. I wanted to give this place a fair shot and not regret leaving it. But the more I talked about the Kibbutz with friends and family the more I realized just how unhappy I am here. I kept going back and forth, mainly trying to convince myself to stay. And then I realized that if I stay here I will eventually convince myself that it was an alright place and that nothing is as wonderful as you hope it to be. I would have let the summer pass by and and would have convinced myself (and everyone else) that it was a good time, knowing all along that I wanted more.

And then BAM!

I realized that this line of thinking is exactly why I found myself in a five year relationship that should have ended after three. Or maybe two? And if I didn't take action and improve my situation immediately then all of these months of growing pains would have been for naught. And as I said in my first post on this blog - I'll be damned if my life isn't over-flowing with joy.

So now what...?

There are a lot of options and I am trying to decide where to go. There is a Moshav between Tel Aviv and Jerusalem that is taking volunteers, there is another kibbutz (near Gaza) through The Kibbutz Program Center that has Jewish volunteers and are looking for more, there is the option to get a job and apartment in Tel Aviv, or perhaps skip around between friends and family and do some traveling. The point is that I am not stuck. I never was and I never will be. All I know is that I am leaving this Kibbutz as early as Thursday.

I keep feeling like I somehow failed. Or that I was duped. Or that I am being unreasonable. I want to make sure I continue to stay present and embrace what is presented to me. If I leave am I just pushing away change or if I stay am I only repeating the same pattern? I feel silly for having been so excited to come here. Did I set myself up? Am I supposed to go through life with moderate to low expectations so I'm not disappointed as easily or am I to stay true to my nature which is to love and smile and laugh and get excited over anything, from delicious chocolate morsels to helping save a dog's life? I suppose right now I'm feeling lost. I feel like I need to just take a huge step back and deprogram in a way. Let go of my assumptions about how life is supposed to go and get in tune with how I want my life to go. I think in order to do that I need to reboot. Reset. If only I could find that little button....

3 comments:

  1. Whoa. You definitely made the right decision to leave. You're in Israel to experience the culture and the people. And to have fun. Not to work your fingers to the bone packing apples. Get a job or find another kibbutz that is right for you. And have fun! Thats why you're there isnt it? Good decision making. Good Luck!

    ReplyDelete
  2. No, seriously, well done leaving. It takes guts to take control and make that huge decision, so congrats. No one dreams of lonely apple packing, and I'm sure no one was surprised when you said your goodbyes. Here's what I think you should do - I think you should find another kibbutz for a shorter period that might be more right for you, and also hang with family in between traveling. But that's more what I would want to do in my head not being there myself. Either way, you totally succeeded, and whatever you choose to do will be fabulous. You have good instincts my friend! love you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hope that you remember for the rest of your life the process you just practiced; it will bode you well. I try to live by the "serenity prayer." (G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.) May you continue to be blessed with joy and serenity.

    I will always love the spunky, courageous little "cookie" who grew into the joyous, beautiful woman.

    With love, Anne

    ReplyDelete