Thursday, May 6, 2010

I am here in this room

Well, here I am.

As we were nearing Tel Aviv and I could see where water met land I thought "well, this is rather anti-climactic." I thought I'd be more emotional, more moved. And then...

I found myself feet off of the runway, face pressed against plexiglass, eyes fixed on the ground, holding my breath, waiting for the gentle thud of wheels hitting tar, connection with the land, with Eretz Yisrael, and with every second of anticipation my smile stretched wider and wider and my body was screaming for air but I couldn't let go, not yet, not til we touched the ground. And then...thud...contact. Exhale. Laugh. And then the tears started flowing. Such wonderful warm-fuzzy tears. I'm here. I did it. Ready or not, here I am.

As we made our approach I put all of my focus on what I want to get out of this experience. I made a huge change in my life and I want to use this time to really focus that change, become clear on my intentions. This is what I came to realize: I simply, maybe not simply, want to be here in this room...

Let me go a few steps back. More like ten years back. When I was a freshman in my BFA Acting program (Elohim that was 10 years ago, oof) I had a movement teacher named Diana. She had a very simple exercise that helped me become present and grounded, two buzz words that are fundamental in acting school. All we would do is stand still, look at an object, breathe in and on the exhale say "I am here in the room." It's a reminder to stay present. A reminder that we are present. A reminder I need. Constantly.

With the MANY hours I had to simply sit with my thoughts on my journey to Israel I found myself thinking about the various weddings I will be going to this summer/fall, my trip to California in August, meeting my new niece in September, what I will do to make money when I return to NY in October, who will stay in my life through the summer and beyond, who will come back into my life in the fall, and who will have simply moved on, and then it hit me, I am already thinking past Israel and I've not yet landed.

And that's when I came to realize that this summer, in Israel, I want to really learn how to remain present. I want to learn how to really be here in this room.

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